


watch me as I fade away

by HellLucifer (JanviRakshi)



Category: The Tarot Sequence - K.D. Edwards
Genre: Addam Saint Nicholas needs a hug, Addam has seriously low self-esteem, Angst, Beta'd, Character Death, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, I have joined the cool kids, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Title while it was being written: Addam Angst Fest, so please be careful, this is very triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26239432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanviRakshi/pseuds/HellLucifer
Summary: Addam was not someone who deluded himself about his own self-worth.He knew what he meant to those who cared about him.That meant he also knew exactly what would the damage be if he was not there anymore.
Relationships: Addam Saint Nicholas & Quinn Saint Nicholas, Brandon "Brand" Saint John & Addam Saint Nicholas, Rune Saint John/Addam Saint Nicholas
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	watch me as I fade away

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed to the tags. This is Dark.  
> This was inspired by a headcannon Birb had in the TTS Discord server. If you want to blame someone, blame them. Thank you to Xylo and the rest of the peeps in the server who thrive for angst like me. We're valid.  
> A huge thank you to [Cy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxymoronbby) who was my beta and an absolute delight! I love you!

Addam would have liked to say that he had not expected this. He really would have. It could have been a combination of raising one of the most powerful seers ever born in Atlantean history, being the Tower’s godson and spending a few years in the presence of the Saint Johns. It could have been the result of growing up in a household where you had to prove yourself at every point to be treated with any respect or love. It could have been just his gut telling him all his life that he had been born without a purpose.

Quinn’s vision had been pretty clear: In a week from now, either Addam or Brand will end up being the one trapped in the rift to stop it from spreading and letting in all sorts of things best kept outside. And it was pretty easy to imagine what would happen to someone stuck in a land full of dangerous magic and monsters unknown. 

Quinn had burst out crying after revealing what he had seen. That had hurt. Him flinching away when Addam tried to comfort him? That had speared a bolt through his heart. It had then transformed into a ball of doubt, pain and nerve-wracking fear and settled down in his stomach. Addam had moved away and had allowed Quinn to collapse in Max’s arms. And then, while Rune had been shaking Brand by the arms trying to get him to promise to not do anything stupid, Addam had quietly slipped away from the room. He had people to contact.

That had been two days ago. Addam had contacted all his business partners and had begged for a month off, had left a letter for his mother detailing exactly how much of his funds should go to which part of Quinn’s life, called Christian and had told him that he loved him and then hung up before he could break down, and had gathered all the sigils he could find and readied them to be given over to Rune. 

Rune. Addam hadn’t seen much of him in these two days. Granted, he hadn’t left his condo, but Addam had missed Rune like a limb. And he would know all about that. But Addam knew that if he actually went in front of Rune, he wouldn’t be able to leave. And Addam can’t let that happen. 

Because it’s Brand’s life that was at stake.

Brand, whom he wished he had a little more time to know better. Whatever bond they had was because of Rune and Addam wished desperately that he had been given the chance of having Brandon Saint John as a trusted friend and confidant. He admired Brand terribly. He also knew exactly how important Brandon was to Rune. How more essential he was to everything than Addam was. 

Addam was not someone who deluded himself about his own self-worth. He knew what he meant to those who cared about him. That meant he also knew exactly what the damage would be if he was not there anymore. Maybe not minimal but definitely a lot less than Brand’s absence. Quinn, (it hurt thinking about Quinn), would grieve him terribly. Quinn, his brother. His son. His own. 

Addam’s eyes filled with tears for one moment as he remembered the first time he got to hold Quinn. He had been so small. So weak. Addam had then burst into tears and he was not so far from that now. He shook himself and dragged a hand down his face. Yes, Quinn would miss him. Would be inconsolable maybe. But Quinn was not alone anymore, he had a family other than just Addam now. A family that would help him move on, help him grow, help him become the absolutely awesome prophet he always knew Quinn was going to be. Quinn had a family now and Addam cannot be more grateful.

Addam knew how much he mattered. He even knew how much he mattered to Rune. Rune Saint John, his boyfriend, the love of his life. Addam can admit that he had dreamt quite a bit about putting a ring on that hand. Maybe had thought of signing as Addam Saint John one day, free of the Justice name, always to be Rune’s. Well, that dream was not coming true anytime anymore, so Addam allowed himself a moment of weakness to daydream about that life, that period of time that will forever remain a fancy, written down in his notebooks as a dirty secret never to be shared.

To Rune, he was a new beginning. Someone, something different from what Rune had been living through for the first thirty-five years of his life. To Rune, he was someone Rune can trust with his heart. And Addam had been so honoured and proud to have given that responsibility. To be allowed to hold Rune Saint John in his arms, to be allowed to sleep beside him. To be allowed to love him, unabashedly, unflinchingly, unhesitatingly. If Quinn was Addam’s soul, Rune was his heart and Addam had spent each moment of the three years he had gotten to spend with him, trying to make him understand that. Three years. Three years being the happiest Addam had ever been barring that day Quinn had sleepily called him ‘Dad’ and had then fallen asleep on his chest. 

This happiness was what led Addam to stand in the middle of one of his many living rooms, trying to hold himself together, as the pressure, fear and the thought of dying finally caught up with him. Addam collapsed, somehow managing to crawl to the sofa. Tears began to fall unbidden from his eyes as Addam struggled to breathe. 

Addam slowly brought himself back from the brink of panic as he clinically filed away why he needed to do this. Brand was Rune’s Companion. One of the strongest Companions still alive. What he brought to their team, what he can do for New Atlantis was much more than anything Addam could ever do. Addam was a rich scion, whose only redeeming quality was the humongous amount of sigils he can offer. You can get more rich scions, you would not be able to find another Brandon. Brand was Rune’s Companion, his soul mate. If anything happened to Brand, Rune would break. 

Rune and Brand were intertwined in ways that Addam had stopped being envious of after realizing how futile that was. If either of them died, the other would simply follow them down. And nobody could afford that now. Addam would not ever be able to live with himself if he knew he was responsible for both Brand and Rune’s demises. Addam would sooner let himself be killed than let Rune be hurt. Brand was unaccountably important. Addam in comparison was... was technically expendable.

That hurt to admit.

Addam would be leaving all his sigils to be transferred to the Sun Court, enough money for them to be comfortable and safe for years to come. They would be okay.

Everything was okay.

A calm fold of peace came over his mind.  
He knew what he had to do. He knew why he had to do it. And he was ready.  
Addam slowly got up from the sofa and walked out of the living room. Fetching some paper and a pen, he got to writing.

_Dear Rune, Quinn and Brandon, ___

____

__

_I understand that this must come as a terrible shock. However, you have to believe me when I say that I have actual reasons for this. ___

____

____

_Brandon, you are so important. So much more vital than I could be. And I am very grateful for that. Please, look after Quinn and Rune. For me. Stop them from running after me._

____

____

_Rune. Rune Saint John. I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. Rune, my beloved, my talla. I wish dearly that we had more time together. That we could have grown old together. Three years is too less, too small. Rune, please understand why I have had to do this. Do not blame yourself for this, I urge you. This was my decision, made with clear, clinical reasons. Hero, remember me. Remember my love for you. ___

____

____

_Quinn. I know, I know. Don’t cry. I know you feel angry right now. I know you thought you could prevent this. I never wanted to do this to you. But you have to choose the hard path sometimes, to do what is right. Remember what I told you on your sixth birthday? You are so strong. So loved. Even if I am not there in front of you, always know that I am with you. I will always be with you, even when you can’t see me. ___

____

____

_P.S: Don't ask me how I know this. There are 24 different realities where you burst heroically into the portal and save me. Here’s to hoping. And hoping. And waiting. ___

____

____

_Yours lovingly,_  
Forever and Ever,  
Addam. __

**Author's Note:**

> Somewhere in some reality, maybe Rune finds the letter, cold to the touch. Maybe he falls, a terrible cry bursting from deep within his chest. Maybe Quinn understands? Maybe they manage to "heroically burst into the portal" and find Addam. Maybe... just maybe Addam lives?


End file.
